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Bohemian Grove

The Most Faggy Goddamned Thing You Could Ever Imagine

Bohemian Grove is "the greatest men's party on Earth", according to once-regular attendee Herbert Hoover. A secret little getaway for America's male upper crust, the 2-week long annual retreat in Monte Rio, California, has all the luxuries you'd expect of an elitist clique: outdoor plays, an orchestra, delicious food and beverages, public urination, streaking, and human sacrifices, to name a few. Nestled in beautiful redwood forests, every Republican president since Coolidge has partaken in the gala, as well as a host of other huge names in business and politics.

Little is known about its origins. The Bohemian Club was founded, according to its PR people, in 1872 by "five newspapermen, a Shakespearean actor, a vintner and a local merchant" from San Francisco. The male bonding funfest at the Grove itself began in 1879, near the Russian River. It wasn't long before this yearly custom became an annual tradition which has continued for over 120 years. Members enjoy opera, literature, and music. That's all. Nothing else to see here, no photos please, leave the premises now, THANK YOU.

Now here's the real dirt. (cue creepy Theramin music)

Weaving spiders come not here

The gathering includes semi-Masonic themes that center around a 40-foot tall stone owl, whose voice is provided by regular attendee Walter Cronkite ("And that's the way it is, hoot hoot."). Mock-Druidic rituals are performed, and the attendees (referred to as "Bohos" or "Grovers") wear Ku Klux Klan-style garb. Public policy speeches are given, conveniently away from the public that will eventually have to suffer under these policies. Called "Lakeside Talks", the topics of discussion range from "Communists, Democracy and Golf"; "America's Health Revolution: Who Lives, Who Dies, Who Pays"; "America's Promise: Leading Armies and Leading Kids"; "Defining the New World Order"; and other such jolly cocktail chatter. It is boasted that the Manhattan Project first took shape at a Grove meeting. Security is allegedly as tight as a nun's cunt; journalists are now forbidden from showing up and filming the shindig. Reporters from CBS, People and Spy magazine have all tried to get a glimpse of the event, with limited success.

It goes without saying that this party of the powerful has garnered attention from the tinfoil hat leagues. The Bohemian Grove Action Network occasionally holds demonstrations against the event, but not in recent years. 37 year old Nevada resident Richard McCaslin somehow broke into Bohemian Grove in 2002 in "protest" of the meeting (he actually showed up about 6 months before the meeting was scheduled to take place). Calling himself "Phantom Patriot", he was fully armed and wore a blue paramilitary uniform (with the words "Phantom Patriot" written across the chest in red), a rubber skeleton mask, and body armor. This hero for our times was prepared to expose ritualistic child abuse and human sacrifices he had heard were regular goings-on at the retreat or die trying. But the poor dumbfuck got lost in the woods in the dark of night. McCaslin fell asleep in a cabin and awoke the next morning to find the aforementioned stone owl. He desperately wanted to blow the thing up, but instead left a verse from Leviticus at the base. Our hero then proceeded to set the mess hall on fire.

But damn the luck! The devil-worshipping spooks had been crafty enough to install a SPRINKLER SYSTEM which quickly doused the flames. After a brief police standoff, McCaslin was arrested and had a ton of charges hung on him, and a prison psychologist was assigned to him.

Radio show host and would-be conspiracy cracker Alex Jones claims to have actually penetrated the Grove. Disguising himself as a Boho, Jones filmed many of the rituals with cameras hidden on his person. His exploits were documented by British TV company Channel 4, and Jones sells copies of the video exposť on his site. According to Jones:

Each Year at Bohemian Grove, Members of This All-Male "Club" Don Red, Black and Silver Robes and Conduct an Occult Ritual Wherein They Worship a Giant Stone Owl, Sacrificing a Human Being in Effigy to What They Call the "Great Owl of Bohemia."
Grove spokesman Steve Singer refers to this ritual as "Cremation of Care"(or "Dull Care"), which suggests that something is indeed burned, confirming many eyewitness accounts. He denies all the child abuse stories, as you would expect. And the human sacrifices are just simulated, so there's really nothing to worry about. Really.

There are over 2,700 "Bohos" (members and guests). The waiting list is about 10-15 years long (almost as bad as getting tickets to Letterman), so don't hold you breath. Most of the gatherers are American. Some of these include:

  • George HW Bush
  • Dick Cheney
  • Dwight D. Eisenhower
  • Malcolm Forbes
  • Gerald Ford
  • Newt Gingrich
  • Alan Greenspan
  • Alexander Haig
  • Herbert Hoover
  • Jack Kemp
  • Henry Kissinger
  • Richard M. Nixon, who had his own opinions of the Grove (see timeline!)
  • Colin Powell
  • Ronald Reagan
  • George Schultz
  • Caspar Weinberger
  • Art Linkletter
  • William Randolph Hearst, Jr.
  • Charles Scripps, of the Scripps-Howard newspaper chain
  • Jack Howard, also of Scripps-Howard
  • David M. Kennedy, history professor from Stanford Univeristy
  • Nathan Myhrvold, Former Chief Technology Officer, Microsoft.
  • Seth Shustak, astronomer, SETI Institute
  • Jesse H. Choper, law clerk to Chief Justice Earl Warren
  • John Major, former Prime Minister of U.K.
  • John Keegan, military historian
  • William Davidow, author & "Venture Capitalist"
  • James R. Lilley, former ambassador to China and Korea
  • John M. Barry, writer & scholar
  • William Casey, former CIA director
  • John Lehman, former Navy Secretary (delivered speech that claimed 200,000 Iraqis were killed in first Gulf War)
  • Tom Johnson, president of CNN and former publisher of the Los Angeles Times
  • David Gergen (although he is reportedly no longer an attendee)
  • A.W. Clausen of the World Bank
Dr. Texe Marrs claims Adolf Hitler was also a Grover, but this seems doubtful (Between 1939-1945, he was... busy... Probably wouldn't have been that easy for him to get to northern California.) Then again, Hitler is now a Mormon, so who knows...

Harry Shearer produced a satire of Bohemian Grove called "The Teddy Bear's Picnic".

Timeline

ca. 1873 Bohemian Club founded
ca. 1879 First meeting at Bohemian Grove
13 May 1971 President Richard M. Nixon: "The Bohemian Grove -- which I attend, from time to time -- it is the most faggy goddamned thing you could ever imagine, with that San Francisco crowd. I can't shake hands with anybody from San Francisco."
11 Jun 1993 The Washington Times reports: "Presidential counsellor David Gergen resigned yesterday from the all-male Bohemian Club, three days after saying he would not run around naked at its annual Bohemian Grove encampment and insisting he would not quit. White House spokeswoman Dee Dee Myers announced the resignation along with Mr. Gergen's departure from 17 other interest groups, charities and public boards ranging from the Trilateral Commission, the Bilderberg Group and Council on Foreign Relations."
15 Jul 2000 Alex Jones poses as a Bohemian club member and clandestinely videotapes Grove rituals.
Jan 2002 Inspired by Alex Jones's radio show, Richard McCaslin arms himself and makes his way into the Grove, but he is detained by Sonoma County police. In the pretrial, Jones offers to let McCaslin use his hidden camera footage as evidence.


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